“Speaking the truth in love, grow up in all things into Him who is the head – Christ – from whom the whole body, joined and knit together by what every joint supplies, according to the effective working by which every part does its share, causes growth of the body for the edifying of itself in love.” (Eph 4:15-16)
No relationship can flourish without good communication.
God flourishes through communication within Himself
That is part of the wonder of His tri-une nature: He is constantly communicating within Himself.
“The Spirit searches all things, yes, the deep things of God. For what man knows the things of a man except the spirit of the man which is in him? Even so no one knows the things of God except the Spirit of God.” (1 Cor 2:10-11)
God made us in His image.
He made us for a relationship with Himself, to communicate – He with us, we with Him.
His grace was immediately apparent following the Fall, in that He still spoke to us; He did not keep silent.
His great gift to us is the Word of God.
Greatest of all, the Living Word: “God, who at various times and in various ways spoke in time past to the fathers by the prophets, has in these last days spoken to us by His Son…” (Heb 1:1-2)
“The Word became flesh and dwelt among us, and we beheld His glory, the glory as of the only begotten of the Father, full of grace and truth… No one has seen God at any time. The only begotten Son, who is in the bosom of the Father, He has declared Him.” (Joh 1:14,18)
God made us for relationships with others
He made us to communicate with each other.
God’s greatest gift to us in this regard is the gift of tongues: our tongues.
This is why it is important, especially in marriage, to continually take the initiative to talk with, and listen to, each other. Silence is not always golden.
Wayne Mack (Strengthening Your Marriage) tells of a wife who read 1 Pet 3:4 (“let your adornment be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit”) and thought she was being very submissive by saying nothing.
She prides herself that she has never had an argument with her husband, she’s never raised her voice at him, or yelled at him. Instead, whenever conflict arose, she would just grit her teeth, zip up her lips and keep quiet. She thought this was being “submissive.”
Well, it’s probably being something – but it’s certainly not being submissive. Because, deep down she is still fuming.
But also, she is breaking the first commandment of communication – which is to “speak”!
Good relationships depend upon good communication.
And, if we are to communicate, we must speak.
Mal 3:16, “Then those who feared the Lord spoke to one another, and the Lord listened and heard them.”
Eph 5:19, “Understand what the will of the Lord is…be filled with the Spirit speaking to one another…”
Heb 3:13, “Exhort one another daily, while it is called ‘Today’…”
Heb 10:24-25, “Let us consider one another in order to stir up love and good works…exhorting one another”
But the tongue is a two-edged sword, as James tells us in his Epistle:
“With it we bless our God and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in the similitude of God. Out of the same mouth proceed blessing and cursing. My brethren, these things ought not to be so.” (Jas 3:9-10)
One of the great downsides of the “now” generation is “now” technology.
We get an email that irritates us, and before we know it we have sent back a “robust” rejoinder. Not a good idea.
Or we see something we don’t like on facebook, and we have to respond right away – before the original post’s 3 minutes of fame disappears into the ether, swallowed up by facebook’s ubiquitous algorithm.
But Proverbs tells us: “The heart of the righteous studies how to answer…” (Prov 15:28)
According to James, nowhere do we need to be able to exercise self-control more than in the use of our tongues.
“If anyone does not stumble in word, he is a perfect man, able also to bridle the whole body… The tongue is a fire, a world of iniquity. The tongue is so set among our members that it defiles the whole body, and sets on fire the course of nature; and it is set on fire by hell. For every kind of beast and bird, of reptile and creature of the sea, is tamed and has been tamed by mankind. But no man can tame the tongue. It is an unruly evil, full of deadly poison.” (Jas 3:2,6-8)
How can we exercise self-control, immersed as we are in the Culture of Instant Rejoinders?
The Bible’s answer is in just two expressions:
– “the truth”
– “in love”
“Speak the truth in love.” (Eph 4:15)
Or, to expand this as that time-honoured acronym T.H.I.N.K. (with one slight variation for “I”).
T.H.I.N.K. before you SPEAK
1) Is it T rue ?
The first and most important test must always be: Is it TRUE?
This is especially important in the “now” generation of instant internet “news” (often “fake news”).
Gossip is seldom true – at least, not the whole truth.
“The first one to plead his cause seems right, until his neighbour comes and examines him.” (Prov 18:17)
Truth means without exaggeration.
I knew a woman once who justified her “bluntness” with the well-known excuse: “I like to call a spade a spade.” The trouble was, she usually called it a steam shovel.
It is even worse when we think we know the truth without even beginning to look into it. “He who answers a matter before he hears it, it is folly and shame to him.” (Prov 18:13)
Unless you know it is true, don’t repeat it. “Therefore, putting away lying, ‘Let each one of you speak truth with his neighbour,’ for we are members of one another.” (Eph 4:25)
2) Is it H elpful ?
It is not enough that what we repeat is true. Is it HELPFUL?
Even in secular society there is a test of whether it is “in the public interest”. This is an elastic expression, and open to abuse in our fallen culture.
But, as Christians we must be honest and be persuaded it is helpful to repeat what we hear.
“Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification.” (Eph 4:29)
This does not mean never reporting another man’s sin, especially where he is unrepentant and his sin is hurting others. But it does mean there needs to be a good reason for doing so. (see “Is it Necessary?”)
Also, there is a time and place for such things.
Is this the right time to speak? Is this the best forum in which to address the issue?
Of course, we must avoid putting off (eg. resolving) matters, by excusing ourselves forever (as the Jews did, Hab 1:2) by saying “it is not the right time”.
3) Is it I n love ?
Recently I had planned to ride my bike to a church get together. But I was starting to feel unwell, and said to Eileen, “I’m not sure whether to ride or not.”
I expected sympathy; but instead I got: “Well, if you are going to, do so humbly and in love.”
Giving her a blank stare, I was trying to imagine what that might look like… perhaps not knocking down any pedestrians?
Finally I twigged – she was thinking of a recent controversy and thought I had said “I’m not sure whether to write or not.”
O.K., I am still wrestling with how to ride “humbly and in love”.
But I am, at least, to respond that way when writing on matters controversial.
It might be true. But is it IN LOVE ?
That’s what the Bible says: “Speak the truth in love” !
“In love” means, even if it is “helpful” and “necessary” (next point) to say what you do, you think about the best possible way to say it.
“Anxiety in the heart of man causes depression, but a good word makes it glad.” (Prov 12:25)
“A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” (Prov 15:1)
“A man has joy by the answer of his mouth, and a word spoken in due season, how good it is!” (Prov 15:23)
THINK about how to tell it.
“The tongue of the wise uses knowledge rightly, but the mouth of fools pours forth foolishness. (Prov 15:2)
“The heart of the righteous studies how to answer, but the mouth of the wicked pours forth evil.” (v 28)
The story is told of a sergeant in the army who was told by his commanding officer to inform Corporal Jones his mother had passed away.
He called the company together, then announced to all, in his loudest, sergeant’s voice: “Corporal Jones, your mother is dead. Dismissed!”
The following week, the luckless corporal lost his father. The commanding officer again entrusted his sergeant to pass on the sad news, but entreated him to be more subtle this time.
The sergeant again called the company together, and this time (again in his loudest, sergeant’s voice) commanded: “All those with a living parent, step forward. Corporal Jones, fall back.”
THINK about how to tell it.
This is especially important (and should become second nature) for preachers: “The Preacher sought to find acceptable words; and what was written was upright – words of truth.” (Eccl 12:10)
4) Is it N ecessary ?
It might be true. But is it NECESSARY?
Are you going to do some good by telling others?
Is what I am about to say edifying?
Will it help, or unnecessarily hurt? Be constructive, or destructive?
“Therefore let us pursue the things which make for peace and the things by which one may edify another.” (1 Cor 14:19)
“We then who are strong ought to bear with the scruples of the weak, and not to please ourselves. Let each of us please his neighbour for his good, leading to edification.” (Rom 15:1-2)
Sometimes, even though what we say may hurt, it may be necessary. “Faithful are the wounds of a friend, but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful.” (Prov 27:6)
Only let us be persuaded it really is necessary to do so.
5) Is it K ind ?
It might be true. But is it KIND?
Jesus would have us show kindness even to our enemies:
“Love your enemies, do good, and lend, hoping for nothing in return; and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High. For He is kind to the unthankful and evil.” (Luke 6:35)
How much more do we emulate God when we are kind to one another: “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you.” (Eph 4:32)
In this context, kindness is expressed especially in how we speak to one another: “Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamour, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice.” (v 31)
If we fail here, we grieve the Spirit: “And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption.” (v 30)
“Watch, stand fast in the faith, be brave, be strong.
Let all that you do be done with love.”
. (1 Cor 16:13-14)