It seems that in every generation a new batch of books for Christians roll off the press on the subject of sex. Among the latest offerings perhaps no author has been more prolific than Sheila Wray Gregoire, best known for her seminal work: The Great Sex Rescue.

But before getting into that, permit me to cautiously recommend two volumes by Gregoire: The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and (with her husband) The Good Guy’s Guide to Great Sex, both of which we believe married couples and those preparing for marriage would find helpful. There is predictably a lot of overlap between the two books, much of it word for word.

Among what we believe is helpful in these books is the way sex is not isolated as a mere physical act, but placed within the essential context of emotional companionship and spiritual intimacy. Also the emphasis is on the mutuality of pleasing one another (and hence thinking of the other), as against the view that sex is primarily (or even, just) about “meeting his needs”. The book also takes an uncompromising stand against the harmful and sinful nature of pornography, as well as offering much needed cautions against some practices that may be considered doubtful.

On the other hand, while clearly against sex before marriage and the harm it causes, the book could have been clearer on stating the sinfulness of such. And, while hinting at the shortcomings of the “purity culture” movement of the 90’s, more could have been said about the positives that movement was trying to promote. And, related to this, while lustful thoughts (or worse) is never excusable (Matt 5:28) and the one who sins is to be held fully accountable, at the same time a positive message on modesty in dress as a Biblical virtue is not to be neglected.

I agree with “Wendy” who (having previously commended an earlier version of Good Girls) summed up the Good Guys book by saying: “Overall this is a very helpful, wise and measured book for husbands who want both to love and honour their wives, and to care for them in and out of the bedroom.”

Though in many ways laying the foundation for the above books, I did have a few further concerns when it comes to The Great Sex Rescue, The Lies You’ve Been Taught and How to Recover what God Intended, written by Sheila Gregoire, her daughter Rebecca (who contributes anecdotal content) and Joanna Sawatsky (who provided statistical analysis). It is evident that Gregoire has been on something of a journey over the past decade and, as Wendy (above) notes: “Their blog is increasingly combative and rude… the Gregoires now seem to be painting themselves as the saviours of the evangelical sexual message, and decrying others who have different messages.”[1] Another reviewer notes: “Overall, my issue with The Great Sex Rescue wasn’t so much the content as it was the tone.”

The following comments sum up my concerns; they are taken from a review of The Great Sex Rescue by Isaac Cowling, a pastor from Brisbane. For the complete review, with all end notes, see here.

A Protest Book

The Great Sex Rescue is, at heart, a protest book: “What if our evangelical ‘treatments’ for sex issues make things worse?” (11). It’s a response to perceived flaws in teaching about sex by popular Christian books and arising from the purity culture of nineties American evangelicalism.

To show the harmful effects of this teaching, the book analyses the results of a survey of 22,000 women. Alongside this statistical data, it’s the haunting personal stories recounted from focus groups which capture the mess that sinfulness wreaks in intimate relationships.

In place of what is currently taught, Gregoire proposes a positive framework to make the married sexual relationship more equitable—that sex should be personal, pleasurable, pure, prioritised, pressure-free, putting the other first, and passionate. The tone and content of the book, however, is weighted towards critiquing the ways Christians have gone wrong.

Correcting an Imbalance

Gregoire shows that there is much that needs critique. Consider, for example, the bizarre way 1 Corinthians 7:1–5 (perhaps the clearest Bible passage addressing sexual relationships within marriage) is usually taught. Gregoire observes that sex and marriage books use these verses to “spend an inordinate amount of time warning women not to deprive their husbands” (51). It is odd that verses emphasising the mutuality of sex in marriage are applied by some as if they’re written exclusively for wives.

Gregoire says the teaching that sex is mostly for husbands is the reason the sexual desires of wives are neglected. For,

When evangelical culture frames sexual fulfilment again and again as something he needs and she might get as a bonus, what message are couples going to internalise? Women won’t expect to enjoy sex, and men won’t think anything’s particularly wrong if she doesn’t. (53)

Though it’s easy to discount this assessment if it doesn’t resonate with one’s own experience, the book’s underground popularity suggests it is giving voice to opinions quietly held by many women.

A Female Perspective

By providing a female perspective neglected by other Christian books, The Great Sex Rescue is filled with fresh takes: emotional connection is a need for men not just women (chs. 2–3); sexual technique should be given less importance (ch. 4); men’s and women’s libido differences are better categorised as spontaneous vs responsive rather than high vs low (ch. 7); quality of sex should be prioritised over quantity (chs. 9–10); and the genuinely laugh-out-loud observation that a woman’s period is framed by many books as a difficult time not for the wife but for the husband (206)! The irony is not lost on me—a male reviewing a book that bemoans the church not listening to the experiences of women. However Gregoire directly challenges husbands and pastors (I am both) to reflect on what is being argued.

The Great Sex Rescue also highlights the important issue that experiencing pain during sex is disproportionately high amongst Christian women. “It’s long been known in medical circles that conservative religious women experience more pain with sex than the general population” (57). Gregoire makes a compelling case that this is a result of well-intentioned but misapplied teaching. Biblical warnings against pre-marital intercourse, if taught carelessly, create negative associations about sex. Meanwhile, encouragements to wait until marriage can glorify the wedding night, increasing the chances of an unpleasant first sexual experience. Even the godly desire of wives to serve their husbands can lead to enduring pain during sex rather than speaking up.

Wrong Path, Right Critique

The book does have some shortcomings. Whilst the Bible is quoted throughout, at times the survey results appear to hold more authority than careful exegesis of Scripture.[2] To give one example: the observation is made that a wife should not be blamed for her husband’s use of pornography, with survey results indicating that wives motivated by this fear have decidedly lower sexual satisfaction (85). It is true and biblical to say that a husband’s sexual sin must never be excused and he is responsible for his own ungodliness. Yet the Bible adds an important nuance which couples also need to hear: if you prioritise sex within marriage it has the potential to decrease the temptation to sexual sin for both of you (1 Cor 7:5).

One inconsistency in The Great Sex Rescue is its approach to differences between men and women. The case is made—and few would disagree—that men and women have vastly different experiences of sex. This is captured by “the orgasm gap”: 95% of husbands climax most or all of the time during sex compared to 48% of wives (11–12). Is the solution to this disparity found by minimising gender differences or leaning into them?

Gregoire suggests we would benefit from jettisoning traditional gender roles (30) and replacing male leadership and female submission with shared power (32–33).[3] In a book filled with many stories of men abusing power, it is understandable an egalitarian solution is proposed. “Stop talking about rights and hierarchy and power. Let’s put Jesus, who came not to be served but to serve, back at the centre” (242).

At the same time, Gregoire acknowledges there are real and ongoing differences between the sexes. Whilst alert to the danger of gender essentialist attitudes (for example, assuming all men universally desire more sex than all women (125)), she nevertheless notes trends differentiating men and women.

Moreover, many Christian couples (especially amongst Gregoire’s target audience) remain convinced that God designed these biological differences to align with specific gender roles in marriage and church. Rather than dismissing those who hold these views, it would have been fruitful to also demonstrate how male headship modelled on Christ is always self-sacrificing—putting the needs of your wife above yourself. Consequently wives can encourage their husbands to lead in a self-sacrificing way (Eph 5:25–27; 1 Pet 3:7).[4] Even the difference in couples between spontaneous and responsive libidos can support a healthy complementarity that is less dictator (‘he demands then she acquiesces’) and more an intimate dance (‘he initiates with the first step and she responds in kind’).

The biggest limitation, though, is theological: The Great Sex Rescue makes too much of sex. I am thankful the book confronts issues of real pastoral concern but the optimism about redressing these runs the risk of creating new pastoral issues. For example, it is unhelpful to describe orgasm as “the pinnacle of human emotional experience” (217) because it leads to unrealistic expectations for those married and the feeling of missing out for those who are not. Sex is portrayed almost as an end in itself, blessing the couple, but with little vision of any greater good. And this lack of an ultimate purpose for sex then leads to the inclusion of questionable anecdotes, such as those implicitly condoning divorce and remarriage to pursue greater sexual satisfaction (50).[5]

The book also makes too little of indwelling sin. Gregoire is rightly hopeful that struggling couples can improve their marriages, yet the unfortunate reality is that sin and selfishness can lead to ongoing dissatisfaction, including sexual dissatisfaction, even in the best marriages. The sins the book is addressing might have remedies through the practical exercises suggested at the end of each chapter.[6] But the enduring negative effects of sin means we also need to develop spiritual remedies—patterns of repentance and grace.

These particular weaknesses—the quality of the book’s biblical exposition, its treatment of differences between the sexes and the degree of theological rigour—are exactly what many evangelicals view as their own strengths and increase the likelihood some readers might discount the book’s message entirely, even though many of its criticisms need to be heard.

Lessons for Leaders

Whether one accepts the broader argument of The Great Sex Rescue, it provides two important lessons for every Christian leader. The first is: recommend books carefully. Many of the quotations from popular Christian books make for uncomfortable reading, especially if, like me, you’ve read or recommended some of these titles without noticing the flaws. I have some concerns over the fairness of assessing older books according to current knowledge, standards and sensitivities but the point remains that if they are no longer helpful they should no longer be recommended.

The second lesson to Christian leaders is: choose your words carefully. We must aim for greater precision in the way we teach about sex to avoid being misunderstood. For example, it’s simply unacceptable that due to our poor communication, Paul’s instruction to not deprive one’s spouse—of either sex (1 Cor 7:5)—is being heard as ‘a wife cannot refuse her husband’s request for sex’ (173).[7] So also, lazy assumptions, such as that sexless marriages are always the result of a wife’s sinful refusal rather than a possible indication of a husband’s sinful neglect, must be abandoned (140). Male pastors need to be mindful of how they will be heard by female congregation members; we would benefit from seeking input from women as we prepare to teach on these topics.

Gregoire gives examples at the end of each chapter on how to rephrase potentially misleading teaching. To my ear, most sound clunky, but there is helpful clarity gained if “[instead of emphasising] ‘You do not have authority over your body; your spouse does.’ [You] Say, ‘God wants sex to be a mutual, loving experience’” (178).

[1] Though I haven’t read their latest book, She deserves better, I gather it further caricatures complementarianism and inadequately addresses transgender issues – see here.

[2] There are a few egregious proof-texts. For example, “Chapter 9: ‘Duty sex’ isn’t sexy” begins with a quotation of Matthew 10:8, “Freely you have received; freely give.”

[3] In fairness, I agree with much of what the authors have to say regarding unilateral decision-making by a husband being bad practice for a unified relationship (and contravening the ‘mutual consent’ commanded in 1 Cor 7:5).

[4] It is disappointing to see the cynical approach to all forms of complementarianism, including dismissing one author’s instruction that husbands defer to their wife’s preferences. Gregoire is critical of this advice, saying it is given in hope ‘his wife forgets her opinions don’t have as much weight’ (33).

[5] Considering the author’s criticism of the careless examples found in other books, I was surprised to read unwise anecdotes, such as one about visiting a topless beach (84), or a wife wondering out loud if her sexual pain would be lessened if she’d given in to teenage passion instead of waiting for marriage (62–63).

[6] Each chapter concludes with an, “Explore Together” section of practical advice. There is potential danger in giving overly prescriptive advice because it can create pressure if either spouse is unwilling or uncomfortable to follow what is suggested. I haven’t read Gregoire’s other works but my current recommendation to couples for a positive treatment of the topic is The Best Sex for Life by Dr Patricia Weerakoon.

[7] Christians have a tendency to address the issue of sexless marriage by directing wives to 1 Corinthians 7:5 rather than husbands to Ephesians 5:28 or 1 Peter 3:7.