One of the questions I ask couples in pre-marital counselling is:

“What do you think will make you attractive to your husband or wife
after many years of marriage?”

Some answer:
“Well, if my husband or wife keeps themselves looking physically attractive…”
Which, I agree, we should not let ourselves go physically; there’s nothing very attractive about becoming a slob who doesn’t care about looking nice for their wife or husband. At least “do the best with what you’ve got,” as Eileen and I say.
But near physically perfect film stars and models don’t seem to have a very good track record when it comes to holding on to their marriage partners. So that can’t be the answer.

Others give the “right” answer:
“Well, if I am caring, and meek, and godly, and always doing the right thing…”
Again, that is important; far more important in fact. There is nothing attractive in someone who doesn’t care, is arrogant, ungodly, and not particularly interested in doing the right thing.
But I can think of many who are “caring, and meek, and godly, and always doing the right thing” that I am not married to. So that, by itself, can’t be what is unique to long term attractiveness in the special relationship of marriage.

A Royal Wedding

Psalm 45 is a Wedding Psalm.
In it, the King (vv 3-5), is preparing for His wedding (v 8).
His bride appears (vv 13-15).

Who is this King?
Whoever He is, He is addressed as God: “Your throne, O God, is forever and ever.” (v 6)
But it goes on (v 7): “You love righteousness and hate wickedness. Therefore God, Your God, has anointed You with the oil of gladness more than Your companions.”
He is God, and He looks to God.
Hebrews explains this conundrum by telling us that the King in Psalm 45 is none other than Christ Himself (Heb 1:8-9).

Who is His bride?
We could guess as to who the bride is from the Bible’s own explanation of marriage: “This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church.” (Eph 5:32)
This is spelt out for us in Revelation 19, where the cry is heard: “The marriage of the Lamb has come, and His wife has made herself ready” (v 7); and the wife is identified as the whole company of the “saints” (v 8), i.e. the church.

So Psalm 45 is about the marriage of Christ to the body of believers.

The Great Attraction

The Psalmist says that his “heart is overflowing with a good theme”. (v 1)
And it is a good theme, a great theme. If, for you, this is a good theme, there is one theme that will weigh upon your heart.
It is this: Are we, the Church, attractive to Christ?

Christ is attractive to us (I hope):

“Fairest Lord Jesus, Ruler of all nature, Son of God and Son of Man!
“Thee will I cherish, Thee will I honour; Thou, my soul’s glory, joy, and crown.”

Do we, as believers, not want Christ also to find us attractive?
Surely any bride wants to look attractive to her husband.
And no less, we the Church, we this body of believers, want to be attractive to Christ.

How can we be attractive to Christ?
What is it that is the most important way in which a husband or wife is still attractive to their spouse, even after many years of marriage?

That is what the Psalmist now wants you to understand:

“Listen, O daughter, consider and incline your ear…” (v 10)

This sounds as though it could be worth hearing:

“Forget your own people also, and your father’s house;
So the King will greatly desire your beauty;
Because He is your Lord, worship Him.”

Here is the reason the King will greatly desire your beauty:

• “Forget your own people also, and your father’s house.”
• “He is your Lord, worship Him.”

We could sum this up in two words: “Leaving” and “Cleaving”.

When God first instituted marriage, back in Genesis ch 2, He did so with these two words:

“Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and cleave unto his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” (Gen 2:24 AV)

The most attractive thing about any husband to his wife, and wife to her husband, is that:
– he has forsaken all others, and
– he cleaves only to her.

In the marriage ceremony we put it this way:

“Will you love her, comfort her, honour and keep her, in sickness and in health;
“And, forsaking all others (leaving!), keep yourself only to her (cleaving!), as long as you both shall live?”

There is something about “forsaking all others”, and “keeping yourself only to her”:
– It makes her someone uniquely special in your life.
– It makes you especially attractive to her.

If your wife believes that she is unique in your eyes, if she believes she is the centre of your earthly universe, you will never look more attractive to her.
And wives – if your husband believes that he is unique in your eyes, if he believes he is the centre of your earthly universe, you will never look more attractive to him.

On the other hand, there is something peculiarly ugly when a husband or wife does not forsake all others, but builds up an intimate relationship with a third party.
There is nothing more unattractive to a wife, than a husband for whom his wife is no longer uniquely special.
There is nothing more ugly, on the face of the earth, than unfaithfulness in a marriage.

Leaving

“Forget your own people also, and your father’s house.”

There are something like three different ways the Bible uses the word “forget”:
1) The common meaning, familiar to many around this time of year doing exams, is that disability of mind, whereby we have trouble retaining information in our memories.
2) The second way the Bible speaks about “forgetting” – or, “not remembering” – is in terms of “not holding something against someone.” This is how we are to be when we forgive one another; this is how God forgives us our sin (Jer 31:34).
3) But there is a third way of forgetting, the way referred to here in Psalm 45: i.e. to “forget” in the sense of “leaving behind”. You forget a former aspect of your life: you leave it behind, you are not going to return to it.

What does this mean?

“Forget your father’s house.”

Even in an earthly marriage, you are to leave behind your family: “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife…”
That doesn’t mean that he forgets his father and mother, in the sense that they are erased from his memory. The command to “honour father and mother” endures as long as father and mother do.
But it does mean that, from now on, he will love his wife more than even his own parents; his wife will have first priority in his life.

In this same vein, Jesus said, “If anyone comes to Me and does not hate his father and mother he cannot be My disciple” (Luke 14:26) – meaning, not that we are to literally “hate” father and mother, but that He must have first priority in our lives.
Those in our father’s house, our family, may plead with us to follow their path away from God. But we must think for ourselves; our first loyalty must always be to Christ.

“Forget your own people also”

If we are to “forget” family (in the sense I have just spoken of), then that goes double for the people, the culture, in which we live.
The culture around you makes continual demands upon you.

It might be in the realm of entertainment, and leisure.
“They think you strange that you do not run with them in the same flood of dissipation, speaking evil of you.” (1 Pet 4:4)
Forget your own people – if you want to be attractive to Christ.

It might be in the realm of values.
They may demand that you affirm them in their sinful lifestyle and join them in celebrating their same-sex “marriage”.
(For a sane refutation of Andy Stanley’s unbiblical views on how to respond to this situation see here.)
Forget such demands from your own people – if you want to be attractive to Christ.

It might be in the realm of idols.
When we are young, and strong – but poor – “your people” make an idol of wealth. They will do anything to get wealth.
When we are old and (maybe?) wealthy – but no longer young and strong – “your people” make an idol of youth and beauty. They will do anything to be young and attractive again.
Forget your own people – if you want to be attractive to Christ.

Leave behind the world, the flesh and the devil

You might say, “What has the world of sin and the devil, got to do with my former life? What has that got to do with: ‘Forget your own people’”?

But Jesus told those in His day: “If you don’t love Me, you are of your father the devil.” (John 8:42-44)
And the Bible says that, apart from Christ, we are all pursuing the world, the flesh and the devil (see Eph 2:1-3).

Forget the house of your father the devil. And, in this case, “forget” – in every possible way.
Don’t just “love less” – as with your earthly father’s house.
But don’t love at all – hate, loathe, positively detest everything to do with your former life, to the extent that you were serving the interests of the world, the flesh and the devil.
Don’t set up a new house, but then go on visiting the old (as you would with your earthly father’s house). But abandon altogether, those works that belong to your father, the devil’s, house. (See further: Ephesians 5:3-11)

 Cleaving

Long-term attractiveness to your spouse is not sustained by your physical appearance. How can it, as your present physical appearance deteriorates?
I was reminded of this, even some years ago, when I received a father’s day card from one of my young granddaughters. On the card she had drawn a picture, supposedly of me, but with scribbles all over my face. Then she offered this apology: “I’m sorry grandpa, but I ran out of room in knowing how many more wrinkles to put on your face.” 😊

Long-term attractiveness to your spouse is only sustained, first by “leaving”.
And then, by “cleaving”. Nothing is so attractive in you in marriage, as for the other to know that, having left all for the other’s sake, you are now devoted to them.
Without that, all attraction in marriage eventually dies.

The same, in our relationship with Christ.
Nothing is so attractive to Him, as that His people have first place in their hearts for Him, and are now devoted to Him.

How is this devotion expressed?

“He is your Lord”

That means, we will obey Him.
We will obey Him, because we want to obey Him; because we love to obey Him.

This is repeated so often in Scripture that it should be obvious:

1) Jesus said: “If you love Me, keep My commandments.” (John 14:15)

2) Again: “He who has My commandments and keeps them, it is he who loves Me. And he who loves Me will be loved by My Father, and I will love him and manifest Myself to him.” (John 14:21)
You may wonder, “How can my devotion to Christ affect how much He loves me? Isn’t the love of Christ, the love of God, unconditional; it doesn’t depend upon what I do; it doesn’t depend upon my works.”
That is true – so far as your salvation goes. God could not love you any more, nor could He love you any less, when it comes to whether or not He loves you enough to save you – assuming, of course, that you are already saved.
But your attractiveness to Christ most certainly depends upon how you live; and certainly upon whether your devotion to Him comes out in obeying Him.

Look at the bride in Revelation ch 19:8, “To her it was granted to be arrayed in fine linen, clean and bright, for the fine linen is the righteous acts of the saints.”
“The righteous acts of the saints” are not what saves her. It was not because of her “righteous acts” that the Lord agreed to marry her. That was “grace”; all “grace”!
But, it is “the righteous acts of the saints” that make her so attractive as a bride.

Just as (ideally) a wife is loved by her husband – no matter what mood she is in.
However she conducts herself he still loves her unconditionally; he will not divorce her. The strength of their marriage doesn’t depend upon the ups and downs of her moods.
But her attractiveness does. How attractive she is to her husband depends very much (as we have seen) upon whether he is, to her, the centre of her earthly world or not.

3) And again, “If anyone loves Me, he will keep My word; and My Father will love him, and We will come to him and make Our home with him.” (John 14:23)
There is a picture of the intimacy of marriage: “We will come to him and make Our home with him.”
What is it, that the Bride does, that breeds such intimacy? What makes the believer so attractive?
“If anyone loves Me, he will keep My word…”

4) One more: “If you keep My commandments, you will abide in My love, just as I have kept My Father’s commandments and abide in His love.” (John 15:10)
By keeping Christ’s commandments, we are attractive to Him: we “abide in His love.”

Are you devoted to Christ?
Is He the centre of your world – your whole world.
Only then: “He is your Lord.”

This is the One who “loves righteousness, and hates wickedness.” (Psa 45, v 7)
Show Him that He is your Lord, by yourself “loving righteousness, and hating wickedness.”

“Worship Him”

The One who reigns in this Psalm is not only the Messiah. He is God. (v 6)
As God, you are devoted to Him.
And, as God, you also worship Him.